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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25589020">Don't look</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittlePupmkinPrince/pseuds/LittlePupmkinPrince'>LittlePupmkinPrince</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Old Guard (Movie 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Blood and Gore, Crying, Human Experimentation, Hurt, Immortal character dies and comes back, M/M, Missing Scene, Torture, graphic description of violence, the boys need a hug</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 04:48:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,310</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25589020</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittlePupmkinPrince/pseuds/LittlePupmkinPrince</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Merrick wants everything from Joe and Nicky. Every cell, every test result, every piece of information about their immortality. Doctor Kozak is only too happy to make his wish come true and cut them open like rats.</p><p>Missing scene in Merrick's lab and why Joe is "sleeping".</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani &amp; Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>139</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Don't look</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>How fast can you heal when you are bleeding out and the love of your life is suffering?</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Joe knew exactly what was coming when he and Nicky were laid out on the lab tables. The anesthetic still lay like a mist over his mind and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't move a muscle. So he had to watch helplessly the whole time as they dragged Nicky through the corridors in front of him. Neither could he do anything about them strapping Nicky to that horrible thing. Only slowly his senses came back and he noticed how they stuck some sensors on him and placed a needle in his arm. No effort was made to treat him lovingly, Joe was just a piece of meat for them to cut away. To his right he heard the soft moaning of Nicky, who was probably also gradually regaining consciousness. Only with difficulty Joe managed to turn his head and watch him. Bright blue eyes were fixed on him, looking terribly exhausted and with a hint of desperation in them. No it wasn't the first time they had been tied to a table like rats, only to be slowly sliced into pieces. Such situations never became easier with time, because the horror was always able to reinvent itself. But this time something was different.</p><p> </p><p>This time they could watch the other one being ripped to shreds. They could bear to die in pain over and over again. But how long would it take them to lose their minds at the sight of the other's pain? The rattle of a metal trolley tore Joe from his thoughts. One of the nameless medical helpers rolled a selection of various instruments beside him and so many different containers that Joe couldn't count them. Only a few meters away from him Nicky was also presented his torture instruments as if it was just a perverted game. Silently he just nodded to Nicky who struggled to a tense smile. They would get through this, being strong for the other one. Andy was probably on her way with Booker and Nile to free them and burn the lab to the ground. Joe took a deep breath and kept watching Nicky before they plunged the first needles into his chest.</p><p> </p><p>Joe didn't know how many hours had passed, if it was only minutes or even seconds. Time seemed to take strange paths when you have tissue of every kind removed piece by piece. He had tried to keep still and not say a word during the whole procedure. Nicky, too, had not uttered a word except for a few gasps and groans. Possibly it was the after-effects of the anesthetic which widened their tolerance limit a little. What was certain, however, was that their little bonus was now over. Joe felt more awake than he had felt in a long time and he tried pulling on his restraints, without success. When Kozak left the room for a moment, Nicky breathed out loudly. "How long do you think they'll take?" he asked as he started up to the ceiling. Joe imitated him. "With Andy, it'll probably only be a few more hours. You'll see, she'll sweep through here like a goddess of war she is." Nicky laughed softly "I hope she really hurries up." He looked over at Joe again, "Because I'm afraid they're not satisfied yet with their harvest."</p><p> </p><p>Joe tensed up, because he knew exactly what he was talking about. So far, it's just been little things. Some muscle tissue here, some bone marrow there, some blood. Nothing that was fatal but hurt pretty bad. According to his experience, the kidnappers then moved on to organs, bones and finally the brain. No way Joe would let it get to that point. Only he'd had the pleasure of having his head sawed open, and he really didn't want to put Nicky through that. Before he could say anything encouraging, the door of the lab flew open and Kozak marched with a new car full of utensils and an assistant directly towards Joe. On the silver tray was a tube, a definitely too thick needle, scalpels and some other things Joe couldn't really name. Without further explanation the assistant grabbed Joe's head and pushed him forcibly to the side and fixed him to the rest so that he was forced to look at Nicky. The Italian had tried to straighten up slightly to see what was happening.</p><p> </p><p>Joe tried to resist the fixation, but gave up very quickly. Without sound he mouth Nicky that it was okay. When suddenly a gloved finger brushed across his neck, he flinched. There was no aggression behind it and the movements were almost tender, so that Joe was even more disgusted. "Have you bled to death?" it came sterilely from his abuser. "Too many times to count it," Joe just grumbled. "How long did it take you to come back to life?" "I don't necessarily carry a stopwatch when I die," Joe said as sarcastically as he could. He was tired of all that and not interested in a substantive conversation. The doctor then pressed a little harder on his carotid artery "hmm that's not a problem, it doesn't disturb the process anyway". When Joe felt the cold metal from the scalpel, he suddenly knew what was going to happen to him. She wanted to bleed him out like an animal on the slaughterhouse floor.

</p>
<p> </p><p>With a quick cut, Kozak cut open his blood vessel and rammed the tube into his throat so that Joe couldn't even scream out in surprise. She then seemed to secure him with something before releasing the clamp at the end and with a disgusting sound his blood dripped into one of the large containers. Even if it was not the most painful thing in the last minutes, it was definitely unpleasant. The tube was not necessarily thick and Joe's body was relatively fast at producing blood. So unlike normal people, it would probably take him a while to get rid of his six liters. His only hope was that he would die as soon as possible after half of it was gone and have some rest for the time being. Bleeding to death was an awful death, besides the fact that it is quite a mess. It makes you loss control over your body step by step until you can only feel the cold tugging of death and helplessness. Nicky kept looking at him worried, but Joe just grinned as if it was the most normal thing in the world to bleed out like a pig. It was nothing that Nicky couldn't handle. Unfortunately, the doctor had completely different plans for him. While she was still watching her work on Joe's neck the assistant had left the room again and fetched another load of equipment. But it wasn't the same kind of thing as Joe's. He could see several knives, metal bowls, tongs and clamps from his viewpoint, which definitely didn't mean anything good.</p><p> </p><p>The assistant tightened Nicky's restraints properly and then began to brush his abdomen with iodine. Panic spread across Nicky's face. They both knew what was coming. They would cut Nicky open while he was conscious like a Christmas turkey. Kozak had already left Joe and walked over to her other subject. Checking, she stroked Nicky's belly like Joe's neck while Nicky breathed frantically and tried to escape her fingers. But there was no point in trying to avoid the unavoidable. When she set the scalpel on, Nickys squeezed his eyes together and pressed his head into the cot as if it could relieve the pain. Kozak cut from navel to sternum without Nicky making a sound. Even when she cut for the second time, he just breathed loudly through his nose and bit his lip. When she stuck her finger into the wound and pulled it apart with a spreader Nicky couldn't do it anymore and cried out loudly. Joe had to watch helplessly what they did to his lover without having the possibility to turn away.</p><p> </p><p>Tears filled his eyes as Nicky twisted himself in pain. Suddenly he turned to him "anzur baeida. Yusuf anzur baeida" It was almost just a scratchy whisper coming out of his mouth. Still, Joe understood every syllable as clearly as if they had been shouted. Nicky's normally bright eyes bored themselves into Joe so pleadingly that it hurt. Even in such a horrible situation, Nicky thought only of him and how much the sight of his suffering hurt Joe. He knew that Joe wanted to give him some comfort, to show him that he was still with him and that he would not turn away from the unbearable. Joe understood, but it was difficult to grasp a thought to answer Nicky. His head hurt awfully, he was unbearably thirsty and his eyes felt heavy. Nicky cried out again and fought against his bonds as the doctor started to dig around inside him. Only blurred Joe saw Nicky struggling up like a wild animal and was trying to get away from his tormentors. He didn't know if it was tears that obscured his vision or if he was about to lose consciousness. His mind felt stuck together, as if his thoughts were syrup that slowly overcame his senses. Only with effort he noticed how the doctor removed something from Nicky's body and almost carelessly threw it into one of the metal bowls just to keep cutting his organs.</p><p> </p><p>Anger flares up in Joe. He wanted them to leave his lover alone, stop touching him, hurting him. With a grunt he tried to move again, but he couldn't even feel his fingers. Numbness spread over his whole body like a lead blanket. Nicky's whimpering and the disgusting slippery noise coming from his direction made Joe's thinking even more difficult and despair took hold. He wanted to get to Nicky, take him in his arms, tell him that everything was going to be alright and then kill anyone who dared touch him. After that he want to snuggle in safety, in the warmth of his sunshine, hoping to find some peace in their sleep. Joe wanted Andy to come through the door right now and separate the heads of those disgusting people from their shoulders. But nothing happened, and Joe's eyes closed in exhaustion. Even if he wanted to, he could no longer watch the horrible scene. But his blindness does not hide the sound that made his stomach turn. At the edge of his unconsciousness he noticed how Nicky cried, oh his wonderful Nicolo, who was too good for this world.</p><p> </p><p>He wanted to scream, to beg them, to say words of comfort to Nicky, in a language only they could understand. Let them take him, Joe had been through worse anyway. Nothing could be more painful than watching his beloved in unbearable suffering. Yet his mouth opened helplessly without uttering a word. "Sono al tuo fianco," Joe tried to say as loud as he could, only to produce a whisper. "Sono al tuo fianco, mio amato," he repeated a little louder this time. "Sono al tuo fianco Nicolo." cried Joe with the last remaining strength he could summon up. He wanted to give Nicky some comfort at least in his last seconds. "Va tutto bene," was the pressed answer after a while and Joe wanted to laugh at the absurdity behind it. He wished that when he woke up everything would be over and they would finally leave him alone. That it was all in his imagination and Nicky would never have to live through that nightmare. But he knew that he would never forget it and that it would haunt them for the rest of their days, just like all the other memories. When Joe finally fell into the infinite darkness, his last thoughts were of Nicky only.</p><p> </p><p>When Nicky saw that all the life was draining out of Joe, he felt something like relief and for a tiny moment he forgot what was happening to him. He had already given up trying to resist the procedure. The working of his muscles only made the pain more unbearable than it already was and there was no escape anyway. Instead, he tried to focus on Joe's face. He had learned every detail by heart after all these years. Still he could look at this man for hours and still find something new. Just now it looked like he was sleeping peacefully. His lips indicated a smile that he knew was for him alone. Only the hose and the dried tears on his cheek showed that Joe died without any peace. Nicky sobbed for a moment as he remembered how they had joked with each other on the way to the lab and Joe's light-hearted laughter still echoed in his ears. When they got through this, he wanted to leave London with Joe, to a place that was only important to both of them. The two of them alone and at peace, that's all Nicky wanted. While the doctor was busy chopping his liver into strips, he thought of that weekend in Paris, their holiday in India and this one very special time in Malta. Nicky tried to feel his mind with as many beautiful memories as he could to suppress the pain and the desire to scream.</p><p> </p><p>He was thinking of Nile, who was so young for her fate. Nicky liked the idea of showing her the world together with the others, teaching her all the knowledge they had accumulated. Even though Joe did not admit it, he had also already taken the young woman deep into his heart. Andy, on the other hand, seemed to have some kind of pity for her, but with Andy, nobody ever knew for sure. After all these years, she was sometimes still a mystery to all of them. Nicky hoped very much that Booker and the others were doing well and that they were already on their way. With every minute it became harder for him to keep control and quietly he began to pray that it would finally stop. Nicky was sure that they had a piece of every organ. But he did not dare look away from Joe to see what they had systematically cut out of him. The pain of regeneration was almost worse than the cutting itself. Organs recreated their missing pieces cell by cell. The metal clamps that held him open cut into his flesh as time passed, since his body was desperately trying to heal itself. He did not know how long he had been lying there like that, but for him it felt like eternity.</p><p> </p><p>Nicky could barely concentrate on his thinking. Images blurred in front of his inner eye to a whirlpool of chaos and he didn't notice how he was panicking again. The monitor to his right started to beep alarmingly. Nicky found it hard to breathe, maybe he was dying now after all and he would be released from the agony. Black dots began to dance before his eyes and it felt like he was drowning. No matter how hard he inhaled, no air seemed to fill his lungs. The thought crept into his head that Joe might not wake up and Nicky had just seen him die one last time. He just wanted to go to him now, lie in his arms and wait to feel his heartbeat again, only then to hear sweet words that would melt even the coldest heart. Nicky didn't notice his hands leaving his body and hectically fiddling with the equipment. The beeping seemed to become more and more shrill, pointing to the rumbling in his head. It's supposed to stop, everything should just stop. Once again, Nicky  starts to crie as he continued to gasp for breath, only to drown more in his panic. The spots in his vision grew bigger and bigger and started to flicker in a colourful way so that Nicky couldn't see Joe anymore. It felt as if the world was crushing him and robbing him of any clear thought. For Nicky the lab became a carousel of colors, everything merged into itself until it turned into a black mass and he finally lost his battle.</p><p> </p><p>When Nicky regained consciousness, he felt as if he had been hit by a truck. His head was pounding and for a brief moment he forgot where he was. Kozak's cold voice, however, quickly reminded him of the hell he had landed in. "Ah wonderful, you' re awake again." Nicky looked down at himself in terror to find that his body was completely healed. "Are you experiencing any pain or discomfort?" Nicky didn't say anything because he wasn't sure if he should laugh hysterically or scream in response. The doctor didn't seem to care about his answer anyway. Without thinking about him any further, she rammed another needle into his side. Nicky gritted his teeth and tried to block out the agony. Kozak ignored his struggling completely, "Do you feel the wound trying to close?" When she finally pulled the cannula out of him, he noisily exhaled the air he had been holding unnoticed.

</p>
<p> </p><p>Only on the edge did he realize how fascinated Kozak was with him. "You will not be able to give him what he wants" muttered Nicky, exhausted. "You think I go too far? That I am unethical?" "I would say immoral" replied Nicky, who suddenly felt so terribly tired. "I believe this can change the world" "A fine justification. I've heard it so many times before." The smug smile she had put on disappeared from Dr Kozak's face. Instead of answering, she turned wordlessly and walked away with the sample. At that moment, he heard Joe gasping for breath next to him and rising from the dead. Nicky wondered how long Joe had lay there bloodless and how long he had been unconscious. Confused, Joe looked around as his gaze fell on him as if he could not believe that Nicky was there. When he was certain his lover was not in his imagination, he exhaled deeply.</p><p> </p><p>The Italian himself was only glad that he was back "As much as I like watching you sleep, I'm glade you're awake". Joe just smiled softly at him. "Bed head?" Nicky could not help but laugh at the absurd answer. "Nicely tousled," and now Joe laughed with him. Nicky soon became serious again, however. He remembered how he tried to get through the vivisection with good memories. "Do you know, I was thinking about Malta" "What time in Malta?" Nicky turned to Joe and he immediately understood "Oh, that time in Malta." As he laughed briefly, Nicky kept looking at him. Even in that brief moment, he missed the man's voice. "Dovremmo tornarci." "Sarebbe bello." It was a subliminal promise that the two of them would get through it and relive the memories of that time together, only to add new ones. Nicky imagined already feeling the sun on his face and hearing the sound of the waves. The laughter of Joe when they sit tighter to watch the sunset. 

</p>
<p> </p><p>But before he could share his day dreams with his love he heard the lab door open again and one of the assistants came in. At that moment both had the same thought. They would not die here on the tables under the hands of these greedy people. They'll survive just as they had survived everything else together before. Fate had to have more ready for them than just a few mad scientists. Nicky and Joe smiled at each other again. Maybe they couldn't be close to one another right now, but they would always stay by each other's side. And Andy will make sure that they will soon be free to make up for all those lost minutes.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Translation:</p><p>anzur baeida: Look away<br/>Sono al tuo fianco: I'm by your side<br/>va tutto bene: It's okay</p><p>-<br/>I wondered why Joe was dead when Nicky was talking to Kozak. Joe certainly wasn't asleep because his chest hadn't moved just moments before. He struggles to breathe when he wakes up and seems disoriented. So I'm pretty sure Joe died.</p><p>Further, in a close-up we see trays with pieces of human tissue too large to be removed from the outside. Which means that they must have gotten to it in some other way.<br/>-</p><p>Reminder: take your meds, stay hydrated and eat something.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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